This weekend was supposed to be stressful..I planned on it being stressful..It was stressful..But its quieter now

My concert was friday and saturday and it went well. It went well despite the fact that i wished the artistic director would take one to many steps backwards and fall off the stage. Katie's transgender coming out story was pure inspiration and im glad and proud to call her friend. Charlotte's coming out story made me laugh and smile and feel honoured to work with a woman who after 50 years and being in an opressive marriage had the courage to tell the world she is gay..My love Ben picked me up Friday and we spent the remainder of the evening wrapped up in blankets and sheets kissing and being close to each other..

Saturday things took a turn. As Ben and I drove to my aunts' house for Ellen's memorial service he received a call from his mother that his grandmother had been rushed to the ICU and was given a 50/50 chance of making it through the day..We fought every form of traffic delay to get him back to the apartment to get his dufflebag so he could hurry home to be there should she die..I kissed him and told him to call me and keep me updated on her condition and walked into jane's house with 100 perogies and a pack of camel lights for my dad..I get to the backyard right as the memorial service is ending and see my dad and apologize for being late and burst into tears...i didnt get the chance to share my memories of ellen with my family and all of her relatives on the other side of the family (the heitmans who btw are pretty cool and like my aunts cookies and my perogies!)

I went up to my uncle larry (ellen's dad) and gave him a huge hug and apologized for being late..We talked a little and I informed him that i had found an organization called N.A.M.I which helps families deal with loved ones suffering from mental illness and was going to give to them yearly in honour of ellen..we talked about random things before excusing myself to see other aunts and cousins. I found Steve off to the side and wandered over to his side to say hi. Dianne wasnt to far behind which of course when i hugged her she asked about ben which made me burst into tears..i told them what happened and of course being my family and knowing that i do truly love this boy were all "we'll keep good thoughts in our heads"

I finally found Laura (ellen's sister) in the house with my mom and hugged her fiercly telling her how sorry i was..I inquired about David (her brother) and was told he wasnt here because of his new job and them being a dick about him taking off time..its understandable..he's in colorado..its a far drive for him....we talked..she smoked..we ate....I still hadnt found the one person i was looking for. I hadnt found Marybeth. I finally saw her standing by the table where photos of ellen were laid out and i walked up to her. I told her that my favorite memory of ellen hadnt happened yet. I wanted to get to know her as an adult since as a child we hardly saw one another. The sadness in my aunts eyes made her seem years older then she already was..you should never have to bury a child..it changes you...it ages you

we talked and cried and held each other close..i told her if she needed anything to call on me regardless of how trivial it was because though she's busy now..she's occupied now with the details of the services there will be a time when she's not busy and she'll feel the pain again..i didnt want her to be alone.

i left a few hours later and went to the charis concert which in my heart i dedicated to ellen and to billy. Strong Beautiful Woman was ellen's mantra..She was a strong beautiful woman who in a moment of extreme weakness did a horrible thing. Do we forgive her? Yes because we dont know what led her to do it. I rocked my solo with the flair that would have made both Billy and Ellen proud...

No real updates on ben's grandmother..they went to the hospital last night because the stated she was unresponsive and had low blood pressure...He's not on at the moment..sent him a text for an update..he feels bad about missing the memorial and the concert..there will always be more concerts and unfortunately there will always be more memorials too..he needs to make nothing up to me..i love you baby (if you are reading this)..thank you for the past 7 months..i know they have been difficult. i've been difficult to deal with a large majority of that time but you are so....yeah....i love you)

I will no longer be singing with the chorus after this concert. Why? Its because of the new artistic director. I had an emergency that called for my attention last night which needed to be immediately taken care of so i had to miss a technical rehearsal for the concert. I show up tonight for dress and was told that when it was announced that i would not be there did she know and she said yes and thought it was bullshit. Im sorry miss director if my life comes before singing with a bunch of women. I'm sorry if I miss some rehearsals due to personal illness and the fact i've had to bury two people i love in the past week or the fact that a year ago my mother was ill so i didnt sing in a concert. I'm sorry if i value my family more then the chorus...this saturday is my cousin ellen's memorial service and i told her i would be late but still at the concert. her response showed anything but compassion at the tragedy my family has had to endure. but my family is my family..my blood and my heartbeat..she is someone that i gave $60 for to pay for her salary..so thank you miss director..you killed a true joy in my life by your complete lack of respect for me as an adult and as a person who is grieving..fuck you

and his life is summed up in 6 lines

Man, dog die in mobile home fire

A 35-year-old man and his dog were found dead after a fire in a mobile home Sunday morning.

Olive Branch Police Chief Art Heun said William Draper was found dead in a mobile home at the Candlelight Trailer Park after a fire was reported in the trailer at 11:05 a.m.

Draper lived alone in the trailer. The trailer park is at 8544 Caroma, west of Miss. 305.

DeSoto County Coroner Jeffery Pounders said an autopsy has been ordered.

Neither Heun nor Pounders knew how the fire began.



I am lighting a candle for you billy

As children we fought over who was better who was smarter. As children we laughed over silly little things. As children we cried when we lost the ones we held dear to us. Now i cry alone for you. I wish I got to know you better. You are family and blood. Despite all the horrible things we may have said to each other as children I am sorry. For all the holidays we shared they were not enough. For the moments of sadness we endured I'm glad I had you there with me. May God keep you safe. May God keep you warm. May God remind you that you are loved and will be forever.

I wish I got to know you better E. The last time we saw your bruises were healing and you were timid and shy. I wish i knew what made you think that this was the only way out. I hope you felt no pain. That you did not suffer. What was happening in your life that made you think you had no other way then to end it yourself. I promise to look after your mom and dad and your brother and sister. I dont just see this as I lost my cousin but I lost the chance to be friends with you.

I will miss you E. <3

I remember Dave telling us this story when we were kids..holy shit..good times

I DONT GET IT!!!!!!

Possibly one of my most favorite chimps at the zoo has passed away. Our naked chimp Cinder...You were adored by many :(

Cinder The Naked Chimp

I'm sure many of you have heard about the woman in california who popped out 8 babies and already had 6 children..Wow grand total of 14 little spawns. Okay here is my rant

This woman is unemployed and living off the system
She is getting 3 SSI disability checks for 3 of her children
She made a website asking for assistance to raise her baseball team of spawn..

Im sorry i believe this woman is irresponsible and unfit..It annoys me that there are people out there who think they can just pop out baby after baby after baby and then expect the tax payers to pay for them..Yeah no....I think its every woman's right to reproduce but they should limit it to the number that they can provide for and she cant provide for 14..she couldnt provide for 6..*sighs*

No More 4 Joo!